Apple iPod Nano (4GB, black)

Pros: Nice try, Steve

Cons: Defective finish

Summary: After a week of careful/normal use of my black iPod nano, I've scientifically determined the cause of the scratches that now cover its case and screen. Avoiding the following common abrasives will help keep your iPod nano looking "Impossibly New" for weeks and weeks:

1. Cotton fibers. Avoid placing iPod nano inside any pocket or pouch made of cotton or fleece. Also avoid the temptation to place iPod nano face-up on a poker table to show it off. Doing so will cause the wool fibers in the felt to irritate the back of iPod nano so much that the front case and screen will develop "sympathy scratches."

2. Human skin. Avoid touching your iPod nano for any reason. Resist the temptation to feel the existing scratches on iPod nano. Doing so will only cause them to spread in a fractal pattern. This is because a human fingertip is three times more abrasive than a cotton or fleece-lined pocket. Some users have reported success having their fingerprints chemically removed before purchasing iPod nano.

3. Air. Avoid exposing your iPod nano to the dangerously vibrating molecules found in common household air. Also avoid breathing directly on iPod nano at all costs, especially after drinking. These molecules rapidly find their way into the tiny fissures formed by existing scratches and then eat away at the rest of iPod nano's thin resin coating until eventually there will be nothing left of your iPod to return to Apple.