The end of the world has arrived, and things are looking grim.
Ancient Mayans swarm sacred temples, running up and down walls as if the laws of gravity have been repealed. Boulders pop into existence and fall to the ground, squishing you underneath. Your friends fall down shafts to their deaths, as they have somehow become incapable of using ladders. These and other horrors await you in Revelations 2012, an incompetent co-op shooter that tries to ape but gets almost nothing right. If this ridiculous game actually represents the near future, we might as well just give up now.
6375321The greatest horrors have yet to come.None
The incompetence begins with the cooperative campaigns. You join up to three others to fight your way through hordes of natives in loincloths and witches zapping you with magical green plasma. In the likely event you don't find anyone to play with, AI cronies fill in. But these computer-controlled morons have apparently lost their brains in the Mayan apocalypse and are incapable of behaving in any sensible manner. They can't pick up the healing or ammo items enemies drop on the ground. They can't use secondary fire, are unaware of deadly booby traps, and sometimes stand around doing nothing. Even on easy difficulty, you might be unable to get past the second of five campaigns: the AI easily gives up the ghost, and you end up fighting a miniboss that renders you unable to move and shoot with every ground pound.
You might be lucky enough to have friends who have a billion more brain cells than these cretins, but they won't remain friends for long if you force them to wade through this mess. Everyone gets the same mystic weapon that can morph into different forms: magical sniper rifle, magical peashooter, and magical shotgun. But regardless of what form you use, there's no sense of power. The audio is atrocious: water pistols sound more powerful than your weapon's mild peeps and clicks. When you kill foes, their skin melts away and their skeletons dissipate, which is a neat little effect. Another nice touch: sometimes your enemies lose limbs and pull their legless torsos along. But there are no animations to indicate impact; you just fire piddly lasers or swipe at your attackers until they fall down dead.
You encounter dozens and dozens of ancient dudes as you roam about slapdash environments that have no sense of design or pacing. You run around looking for levers to activate, grab some skulls, encounter a final boss, and everything is done. And every moment is laughably bad. The tribal hordes behave in the oddest ways. They climb up poles and columns for no apparent reason, defying physics as we understand them. They jump on top of swinging traps and get deposited on an AI companion's head. They even fall from above and get stuck midair, their legs treading ceaselessly as if in contact with the ground.
Nothing says 'Mayan Apocalypse' better than Arial font.