Beowulf: The Game review (PSP)

There were two cool things about the console versions of Beowulf: the singing thanes and the impressive levels of gore. Neither of those can be found in the PSP version, which is pure abomination. And not in a fun, "Yay, let's find it and kill it" sort of way, either. If you see this game coming, make like Monty Python and "Run away, run away, run away!"

Beowulf isn't so bad that it ends up being funny--or even interesting. It's just a stripped-down hack-and-slash crucified on a broken plot, left in the heat of the critical sun to die in a desert of consumer disinterest. You are Beowulf, and you go to rescue a kingdom from the yoke of a monster called Grendel. You quickly succeed, which leads to Beowulf ripping off the arm and screaming that he is "Ripper, biter, slasher, gouger, I am the teeth in the dark!" or some such. That's the best part of the game, and you just read it here for free.

Other than that, you and your not-so-merry men travel to ugly locales to fight wave after wave of nondescript enemies, trolls, and the occasional boss. The rhythm games from the console versions are gone, though you still must command your thanes to move stuff. They seem to be even worse in combat than before, which makes sense, because the combat in Beowulf is terrible. You have two attacks: light and heavy. The thing is, your heavy attack hits any enemy near you and renders you completely invulnerable. If you hit that button like a crack rat, no enemy will ever touch you.